The Beautiful Mess of Being Yourself: Why implementing ‘Normal’ is the Enemy of Growth
I remember the first time I realised there's such a thing as not being normal. I was around seven years old, and I had just spent a full hour sitting on the living room carpet, conducting my grand tactile sensory session observing vases and small sculptures I collected from shelves around the house. I adored the variety of shapes and textures and recognised the beauty of natural irregularities of hand made pieces (as a little kid possibly could, of course). My mum, allowing me to to get on with my 'thing', on her way to the kitchen she muttered to my Dad, “At least she’s not glued to the telly." Right there in that moment, I was introduced to the idea of oddness.
Words by Nelli Vaszilko | photography by Jeffrey Czum | average reading time 5 minutes
Mum really didn't mean no harm with her comment - she supported me to carry on pursuing my interests as a little girl. I was lucky enough to receive a plethora of strenght-based positive reinforcement to discover various forms of art for self-expression up until young adulthood, although I had quite the opposite experince later on in life (lots of thoughts for another article, perhaps).
As a movement and learning specialist working with children - and as a slightly eccentric woman who talks to the neighbour's cat each morning before setting off to work - I can confirm with my whole being: normal is nonsense. Normal is the magnolia emulsion paint of social expectations designed to smooth out our quirks, joys, and unexplainable obsessions until we’re all, frankly, quite dull.
And the scary part? There are many of us who were encouraged to aspire to this concept. To edit ourselves vigorously before we even had a chance to meet ourselves.
The Myth of ‘Normal’
How to grasp what normal is, anyway? Is it a societal and oddly mathematical equation of averageness, the level of acceptable, the easily tangible, the middle cohort with the least amount of inconvenience attached? We use its concept to measure behaviour, school performance, friendships, parenting, and even emotions. And whilst pointers are necessary to keep a society, a business, a family, and an individual function to a set standard, I think often we give too big chunks of ourselves to the system. The biggest risk of blindly sticking to the standard is the invisible stage we set up for the unwinnable game of comparison. As Carl Jung once said: “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” Not who society expects you to be, I guess.
When we aim to be “normal,” we often end up just… tired. Pretending to enjoy small talk, nodding along when we’d rather be talking about what actually matters to us, and ignoring the itch to pursue that niche interest because someone might call it weird. And when this becomes our default setting, we (and the kids) grow up thinking that fitting in is more important than lighting up - we’re not just playing it safe. We’re shrinking.
And no, practicing your niche in secret does not work long term - some of the things matter to you the most about yourself worth sharing to have a shot at elevating not only yourself but segments of society too.
Raising Performers, Not Explorers
Children never fail to amaze me with their interests. Some can tell you every detail about volcanoes, trains, or the history of vintage tractors, yet, from the moment they enter most mainstream systems, the process of flattening begins.
“Don’t talk about dinosaurs right now.”
“Look at Fredrick, he can sit so nicely, why can’t you?”
Why all this? So they can function. So they can blend.
“…majority of us are taught that success looks like sameness and that joy and rewards must be earned by enduring boredom.”
At a certain point in life majority of us are taught that success looks like sameness and that joy and rewards must be earned by enduring boredom. Orthodox work settings represent this too - not realising the risks of missing out on talent during the hiring process, and not allowing job roles to expand according to the employee's creative skillset, ignoring mapping opportunities of growth which could serve the business and the people involved - or maybe I'm just an idealist, please do let me know.
As adults, we know how that story often ends. Burnout, identity crisis, and a creeping regret that maybe we should’ve taken that gap year, written that book, danced that dance, or started that questionable Etsy shop selling handmade wooden spoon puppets. (Mum kept a couple of those from the collection.)
The High Cost of Playing It Safe
We think we’re protecting ourselves by nudging us toward the middle. But too often, we’re protecting ourselves from the fabric of our personalities - the instinctive exploration, the joy, and the weird and wonderful ideas.
What I discovered is that often the cost of constantly editing who you are to fit in is emotional bankruptcy. You end up living a life that feels like someone else’s Sunday afternoon. Pleasant, yes. But flat. You reach your 30s or 40s and realise you’ve been roleplaying a version of yourself that got good reviews but never felt quite right.
I am talking from a personal experience to know that a person who learns to contort themselves to be accepted develops a belief, deeply and often silently, that who they really are might not be welcome. That the natural things they love or gravitate toward are inconvenient for others. Down on the path of pleasing in such ways whilst seeking external validation we slowly but surely develop a flawed inner voice - the kind lacking nurturing, acceptance and advocacy aimed at our own being. (Cheerleading would be a fitting word too.)
A Safe Space for Learning
In my therapy work with children, alongside the parents, we aim to weave a different story.
When kids are given the opportunity to follow their interests with the right guidance - whether that’s running around in circles for sensory input to make sense of space to begin with, or becoming mini-experts in prehistoric sea creatures - they don’t fall behind. They thrive. Because they’re connected to something vital: themselves.
Brené Brown puts it beautifully: “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”
This isn’t just about self-esteem. It’s about capacity expanding on the grounds of safety. A child who feels safe to be fully themselves can focus more energy on learning, creating, and connecting. They’re not wasting all their spoons on toning down their personality. And if you’ve ever met a child who truly lights up when they can utilise their interests, you’'ll see that suddenly the learning process shifts. It isn’t mere compliance and information retaining anymore. It is a multidimensional experience taking place at the perfect intersection of the world and the individual within it. And whether the fuel is Paw Patrol, or wearing a pair of sparkly magic wellies to give superpowers to complete an obstacle course - you see the effect of that fire in the belly. That fire doesn’t just warm them. It fuels them. Suddenly life shows up as an invitation to grow in ways the most beneficial for them, and frankly, for the world too.
So What Can We Do?
Let’s ditch ‘normal’ and aim for nurturing instead.
Let’s become communities, and classrooms where kids don’t have to perform to belong.
Instead of asking children to become acceptable, let’s build environments that accept them - loud, quiet, wiggly, dreamy, all of it.
Let them pursue what fascinates them. Let them be bad at things without shame. Let them talk to pigeons, wear capes to Aldi, and learn through movement, sound, curiosity, and play. Because the children who are supported to explore the fullness of themselves are the adults who won’t wake up one day feeling lost or disconnected from who they truly are.
A Final Word (Cheers to a Healthy Dose of Difference)
To the adults reading this who did their best to fit in: you’re not too late. You’re not broken. You are still allowed to follow your curiosities, your oddities, and what-ifs. You can take up space. You can take a left turn.
And to the parents, carers, and educators out there: give your kids the gift you might not have received - permission. Permission to be odd. To be deeply, gloriously themselves.
Because the world doesn’t need more normal.
It needs more you. More of us - in all our messy, magic, maddening wonder.
Written with love, and a strictly caffeine free latte because this week I'm hyped enough as I am.
Nelli Vaszilko
Movement and Learning Specialist | Sometimes Cat Whisperer
